My psychologist also wanted me to start finding lost memories, however after she first started trying to trigger memories she decided I wasn't ready for it. I can't say what changed her mind cause I don't know.

But, I do fear the idea of remembering... but I also fear continuing with not knowing what makes me do the things I do, why stupid things send me into super protect at all cost mode or what causes and triggers missing time etc

Then the only thing that hits me is where am I suppose to find these missing memories, they are gone and if they weren't they wouldn't be lost...