So.. I've hit a new low.

Yesterday, I was having a bad day.. I was thiking about this guy I really liked who left and ugh.. Just everything was wrong and it was just one of those days. Plus I was really stressed out because I needed to get some schoolwork done, but I just didn't (still don't) have the motivation to even start so these unfinished things were bugging me.

And then my roommate came home (I live at a dorm) and they came up here with her boyfriend (who I went to elementary, middle and high school with). We talked about a few things and she started kind of poking fun at me. She didn't mean it but with my already bad mood, I lashed out. And she got really upset. I told her boyfriend to basically go **** himself and she got really close to me and basically was hissing at me to never ever say anything like that again and all these things. I literally thought that she was gonna hit me or that I was gonna hit her. I wanted to. I just got so mad. He kept telling her to stop and whatever.. I mean, he didn't care. I spent the majority of our school time together telling him all sorts of things, but she got pissed and it wasn't even her place. So they left the room of course she had to close the door with a big bang) and I just crashed. I grabbed my phone, my keys and my shoes and just left. I went to an empty staircase, sat on the windowsill and basically had the worst breakdown ever. I still feel weak and restless and vulnerable. A friend who I texted with on my phone got me through it, although he was confused as hell because no one really knows that I suffer from anxiety.

It was also the first time in a long time that I hurt myself. I scratched my arm with my keys. Still can't believe I'd do that.. key my own skin..

When I got back, they had both left. She spent the night at his place. I sent a text to him, just plain saying that I apologize. He sent one back saying that it's all fine and not a big deal. I mean, he really didn't see the big deal either. When they left the room.. before I left.. I could hear him telling her to calm down and that she's overreacting.

So today.. I was asleep in the morning when she came back and then she went to class. Then I saw her during the day.. And I could not believe it. She is angry at me. I mean, she verbally attacked me for no reason really and she is still having a fit over it. I tried ignoring it. Tried talking to her about everyday things like nothing had happened. But she just responded with two words and is completely ignoring me. Even right now.. She came back from the store or whatever and grabbed her laptop and went to the kitchen. Which is good, cause I really just want to punch her. She made me come crashing down and hurt myself and SHE is angry at ME?! Of course, she doesn't know about my issues either, but still. You don't do that to a friend.

So now I'm just not talking to her. I ****ing hate her right now for doing that.

And it has come to the point where I am looking for apartments, although I cant afford one. And I actually thought about taking a year off from school because I just can't handle anything right now. I have a HUGE test tomorrow and I can't concentrate and I also go to work and everything is just really stressing me out. Luckily I don't have work until thursday, but I still need to continue living and right now I just can't. I just want to leave. I want to be somewhere safe and I don't know where that is. And I just feel horrible.