As I posted on Monday, I have returned to T after the xmas holidays. My anxiety levels have balanced now as I have my "secure base" back. I realise now why all my life I have had fears, real and Imagined. With no secure base one has no where solid to place their feet, and forever feels like one is falling. One of babys first fears, the fear off falling.

I was standing in a shop today waiting for my H to come back and I found myself comforting myself with thoughts of my T. But not just thoughts, I also experienced a warm feeling within.

It crossed my mind that a person with a "normal" upbringing and stable parenting would experience this without even thinking about it. It felt like I was a young child that only had "eyes" for my T (mother/caregiver). I allowed myself to be at this stage of emotional developement, given all my lifes experiences, and it felt hopeful.

Then I began to feel upset at thoughts of when the time comes for the relationship to be over, and how will I survive that? Then the thought came to mind of something my T once said, when I had expressed these fears before. She said that sometimes "important" relationships do come to an end. I remember her saying it so matter of factly that I felt panic.

But today I thought about that first important relationship people have with their mothers/caregiver, how one day this does come to an end, via natural death and they carry on knowing that once this loving relationship existed and it is the natural process of life. To carry these "love" ties on.

Having said this, I don't feel ready to end therapy yet. But the feelings are begining to become consious now. Maybe I'm getting stronger and can risk allowing myself to feel the love knowing also that in allowing myself to feel, I may one day also have to mourn the loss, be it natural or however.