I understand everyrhing you said, i am also an addict have been for over 15 years with a few short clean times, Ive lost so much i am lucky to even be alive, i believe enviroment, family history of drug nalcohol abuse plus alot of painful things from my childhood that i have never really dealt with that i didnt even think about for a while now because i just buried it and now i am realizing alot of rage and anger and hurt, my own failures how i have hurt people and let myself get here, that guilt, abuse i have suffered as an adult i think all that is what got me here, and that i need proffessional help to properly deal with all of it and be at peace I too have done just about every drug, my drug of choice is opiates amd alcohol i started taking suboxone took it for 5 years, still never dealt with my issues, for me it just became another addiction, so here i sit, i stopped the suboxone about a month ago and its been hell, ive used other things drugs n alcohol to try to "feel better" I am very afraid and i am at my bottom the end of my rope, so i am committing myself to a facility tomorrow, i should have some medical assitance and watch detox for 7 to 10 days then a minimum of 28 day in patient stay, i feel its the only chance i have or i will be dead, my anxiety is over the top , i want to be clean again to feel good and healthy without all this physical and emotional pain, its been a long time, almost 6 years since the last clean time i had which was about 6 months, i see pics of myself when i was clean and i look happy and healthy, i want that so bad, but it seems out of reach i am terrified that i will never feel physically better, and living with the withdrawal stuff if that lasts 4 ever i feel i cant take it, the most recent time was 4 to 5 days all i did was hurt physical & mental and lay in bed, so to feel better i took some pain pills, i have beautiful kids and have failed them tremendous guilt and shame but thats selfish so i am sucking it up and not putting this off any longer, Please keep me in your thoughts as i go on this scary but much needed journey!