I have never been diagnoised so I thought this was the best fitting forum for what I have to say.
I have always been too embarrassed or ashamed to admit that something was wrong with me. I have so many dark and disturbing memories that haunt me. As a child growing up, I did things that should never of been shrugged aside or gone unnoticed. This is very difficult to write for me. I have a very hard time when I feel judged.
at the age of 5 I chased my babysitter around the house with a pair of scissors because she put pepper in my mac n cheese. Prior my uncle asked me what pepper smelled like so I accidentally snorted it up my nose. This made me hate pepper. I became very sexual at the age of 7 and began fantasizing and playing with myself without knowing what it meant. At 12 I threw a rock out of anger at a second grader and literally missed his eye by half an inch. My brother moved when I was 13. He became a dad at 16 and lived with his gf's family. My parents never had time for me. I spent most of my childhood and teenage years without guidance, love, acknowledgement and without any emotional attachments. I was scared to death of my father because he was a scary kind of guy. My mom wad distant because she was depressed. I lost my virginity at 13, at 15 my at the time bf decided to stick his thing in my behind and refused to pull out after I said stop and no until he came. I never screamed or did anything because I did not want my dad to know what I was doing because I wad scared of him. My bf was 19. I wad never taught to cook, clean, be organized, how to budget money. Everything I know today was self taught. There are more things in my life that happened too.
I feel numb to feeling emotion. I always feel mentally alone. I can't stand family functions or social events because I feel uncomfortable. I sometimes can't even order from a drive through. What bothers me most is I anger easy. My husband has no clue as to what I go through daily. He sometimes does not think before he opens his mouth. Sometimes I get so angry that I physically harm him. I have no control when I get like this because in that moment I have no care as to how much I hurt him or how far I go to do so. I have done some unforgivable things and sometime I don't know how I will hold on because I can never forgive myself for the pain and hurt I have caused.