Friends or family response to E.D?mixed reactions I guess but the majority have thought -get a life -or -havent you stopped that(bingeing)by now -or i guess they think I am just really greedy.(with the overeating) and in a way that and bulimia has more stigma I feel.
E.D-it just tore my mother apart and i feel i contributed to her getting cancer ,she was in so much grief (she is now better)and she kinda distanced from me for awhile and got close to my cousin ,who is a normal eater and started treating her like her daughter.she and my dad are very conscios of my weight now and allways worried I am eating too much and going to get fatter.(which makes me angry coz they are my parents and if noone else does at least they shouldnt care what my weight is and should just love me unconditionally ,afterall i was 27 kilos and at deaths door before).anyway yeah i dont know -I am aware that other people are aware of my changeing weight.theres allways the comment of oh you look well when they havent seen me since i was skinny or oh you look very well indeed-which i interpret as -arent you putting on too much weight now ,youre getting fat.because i have allways been so obsessed with my weight and people know i am bulimic ,compulsive overeater ,ex anorexic ,they immediately look at my weight -like thats all i am a body.I am going crazy at the moment coz I am going to see my folks who live in asia and i know alot of other people there also. and its really hot there and people meet at the beach and i am going to have to be in a bikini/swimsuit and i have put on so much weight since i was last there -i was anorexic ,underweight then(a few years ago) and now i have a huge belly and i am average weight but bloated and out of shape and my stomach... well I wish I had never bought the ticket now I just feel I cant cope.wish I was going somewhere no one knew me .I have 4 weeks till I go and I am panicking,thinking oh I will do this diet or that diet and then eating much more than usual ,maybe coz I have done so much dieting -I just cant do it anymore -I am so sick of it and it makes me binge .if i am trying to restrict carbs i go overboard on sugarfree choc and nuts ect or if i am trying to be really healthy and eat only fruit and veg i go overboard on bananas and nuts ect .I feel crazy and panicky and i just want to collapse into a heap and binge -or smoke ciggarettes which i have given up now for 9 months .I dont know why i cant just be me ,this very imperfect weight and body .I just feel this expectation from friends who have known me thin .I just think I am going to be rejected and called ugly by evryone .thats what it boils down to .thats how this started thinking other people would like me more if i was thinner -my exboyfriend,friends subsequent boyfriends,relatives. like they would accept me ,like me ,only if i was thin and deep down in my subconcious i still think that ...if only i could change that thought,let it go .maybe i should act as if i didnt care what they thought ..then maybe it would become reality .i dont know i am just so sick to death of thinking like this ,feel like i am gonna have a nervous breakdown ,and i cant diet anymore i just end up bingeing out of fear panick and frustration.sorry to be so angry and screwed up but i need to get it off my chest .
thanks
blueflower