Hi and welcome to PC.

Of course his leaving and threatening divorce is hurtful to you - that's the idea. Some guys, especially those with really low self-esteems, use this manipulative tactic to stay in control of the relationship. My guess is it only works for a while, then the partner decides that he/she is better off without the jerk and it's splitzville.

But you don't want that to happen, so you'll have to make some changes. I know, I know - he's the one who is being abusive so why is it that you have to change?! The answer is because you can't control him. So first, I will suggest that you see a counselor. If he'd go for marriage therapy, that would be great, but even if he didn't, you could use some help understanding and then practicing boundaries in a safe environment.

There are tons of books about boundaries that can help jump start your changed life. You're absolutely right that threatening divorce all the time is unacceptable behavior. What the books and/or therapy would do would be help you define a) why are you letting him make these threats? b) what are your bottom lines around his behavior (he can be gone for 3 days, but if he's gone for 4 I will xyz) and c) what consequences are you willing to enforce if he doesn't abide by your boundaries?

As you become aware of your boundaries and start to enforce them, things get worse before they get better. You must realize this before you embark on such an endeavor, or you'll get scared, think they don't work and back off. But, if you set limits, hold them, and then enforce consequences, things will be much better for your husband and your 2 year old. After all, isn't this exactly what being a parent is all about?

Good luck!