Hello all,
In the last year or so my life has been back-and-forth between specialists and blood tests because I have elliptocytosis and Gilbert's syndrome. I've been on a medication called "B-Calm" because of anger issues and so I can cope with all of the stress of trying to be on top of my conditions. Taking this stresses me out more though, as I see no noticeable difference in my mindset and behavior, yet I'm still pushed to remember to use it. In the next couple of weeks I'm going in for a bone marrow biopsy to try and find why I am always severely jaundiced and have a bilirubin count over 200 times more than the average person. I'm always mocked as looking like a Simpson even by close friends. They even go out of their way to upset my undiagnosed (but extremely noticeable) OCD, so I'm always under constant stress. I am pretty much forced by my own mind to go to bed late because since I was 6 (I'm almost 15 now), I have constantly obsessed over my eventual death and must tire myself out completely to limit these thoughts. Listening to music while I sleep has helped, but it's not calm like people recommend as the fast notes take my mind off of death, and slow only encourages said thoughts. I still have the basic human nature to kill bugs, yet I grieve for them as I have taken an innocent life. These emotions are stronger with larger bugs such as huntsman spiders and moths, because I can see the effect of the spray as they slowly loose the ability of legs/wings. I just want to be able to do things normally without somehow linking it to a gruesome way to die, or having to align the dishes and cutlery in the drawer after dinner.
Note: My friends started talking about how the new My Little Pony series is appealing to older people, so I gave it a try and found the fun attitude actually made some things easier to cope with.