Hey. Yeah, I know he can't be everything kt wants. Try telling her that, though... But yeah, I know. I need to see about the forgetting / devaluing thing. Trust takes time, I guess.

No, he doesn't really know about this side. I've shown him a brief glimpse before letting the numbness over-ride. On a couple of occasions now. One was about letting him see pain and tears welling briefly when I said I didn't want to go to another city because I wanted to keep seeing him. Then I let the numbness come. But he saw. He said something about 'yeah, continuity is important'. Kindly. It was okay. Need to do it slowly... I have said I don't want to talk about kt either. Because it isn't safe. He looked a little disappointed that I didn't trust him. So I said it wasn't about him, it was about another one. That I wasn't sure what he knew about her and I didn't want to upset the balance. Which is true enough.

He doesn't really see my intellectual side, either. Brief glimpses. I'm working on showing him that side too. I don't think that should be too much of a problem. Quite often training therapists see therapists while they are training. That seems to work out okay. I probably don't know as much about certain things as a training therapist would. But I don't think he knows or appreciates how much reading about theory helps me figure out what is going on for me and how much it helps me at times. I've broached some of it a little. He seems to think that rational me is a diversion from emotional mes. It might be a defence at times... But it is an important part of me too. It will take a while for that... For him to appreciate that. At the moment my little risks with rational me aren't paying off particularly. But I do understand that that is because he doesn't appreciate that rational me is an important part of me. At least rational me is capable of not taking it personally. Though I need to be a little careful with condescending feelings (is that the right word?)

So what does he see?

Mostly... Someone who can't look at him. But who tries to smile at him. All but wringing her hands with anxiety. Probably looks sad. Sad and scared. Someone who appreciates him taking the direction because she kind of freezes up like car headlights are on her if he waits expectantly for her to talk. Someone who really tries to answer his questions to the best of her ability. And tries to use them as a platform to talk more off her own bat too.

It is a slow process for me.

It is hard.

I find kt... Distasteful.

Distaste.