So I've posted before about my problems with emotions, empathy, and figuring out what personality disorder I may have. But this is a new issue. Lately, for the first time in five years, I've started having nightmares that are bleeding over into my everyday life. I keep having similar themes. In every dream, I'm either accused of murder or I've killed someone and get overwhelmed with hiding the body and trying not to get caught. It's one of those dreams that leaves you feeling like you haven't got in a minute of sleep. I'm so tired and I still feel that paranoia lingering. When I woke up this morning, I almost forgot it was a dream. I woke up thinking, "I have to hide the body."

But what's even more concerning is that I almost liked it. Actually, I did. Although I had that left over paranoia, it made my heart race and gave me this excitement that made my stomach drop and my whole body feel hot. It was so exhilarating. When I wake up, although tired and stressed, I'm also disappointed. I wanted it to be real.

Pair that with my history of homicidal thoughts and we have a deadly combination. I haven't had them in a while, though. Well, up until now. I usually would cut my arms to get out the need to slice something living. Now it's kind of un satisfying. It lacks the excitement of being chased. I don't know what to do but I'm not sure if the dreams stop that the urge for that excitement will go away. Nothing excites me anymore, and I'm always bored. The only thing that gives me a jolt is something that's against the law; breaking and entering...murder. I really don't know what's stopping me. I guess it's because I'd want the chase to last, so I would have to know what I'm doing - which I wouldn't.