Some days I wish I could just tell everyone that no, I am not ok. I gt tired of fieldin the question at work. Mostly they seem to think the job is getting to me. That the students' outlandish behavior has me so tired I'm ready to quit. This is true, but they can't understand that there is more to it. I just wish I could break down and tell them yes, everything is overwhelming right now, but MORESO because of the severe depression I am in. Who can understand that? No one who does not suffer from mental health issues. And society has forced me to keep silent. I want to tell my boss you know what, I can't take classes right now. I am too depressed. No I can't change my objectives. I am too depressed. I can't bring this student more work for ISS. I can't put up my standards every day. I can't write those weekly reports. I just can't.

But I have to do all this obviously. It's my job. If I can't do it, I should quit my job. I wish I could just call out for a couple weeks with no pay penalty to recover from this monster. I know there is temporary disability but it won't pay my full pay and we can barely afford everything as is.

Mostly I wish I could cry. I wish I could scream. I wish I could throw things and flip desks and knock **** over like my students do. But I have more self control thank god. When I get like this I fantasize about having a big breakdown. But all the scenarios I my mind right now end with me being disgraced and fired, so it is not even a source of comfort like it used to be. I have to find a new job but I am afraid that I would be a terrible teacher anywhere else. I feel like I am now, I'm just holding my head above water until someone notices and takes my life vest.

If this past year has taught me anything it is that I need to ask for help before things get out of hand. Sometimes that help is not always attainable. For example, in my last program I effectively begged for help because I was experiencing psychosis and I was flatly denied. They said I had already seen the doctor too much. My husband ended up demanding hospitalization (rightly). I did not out on a happy face in the hospital. I let the truth be known. And I ended up finding meds that worked. But each time before that I tried to muddle through depression until I hurt myself. This time, I was honest with my IOP. I was supposed to be discharged today but they are going to argue with my insurance company to have me stay longer. And I am happy that maybe the med increase will work. I refused to try any ADs because none have ever worked for me, and the last three times I've tried have culminated in terrible manic/mixed episodes, complete with psychosis. So I am hoping the higher MS will do the trick.

It's BS that we keep having to play his game though. All of us. I want to give up. I want to just let it take me under.

And I wish I wasn't so alone.