Has this been an issue for anyone else on here? I imagine it must be since it comes with the territory but my PTSD has gotten very bad and I feel completely alone and alienated and I fear it is my fault. I have suffered sexual and emotional abuse as a child, lived through numerous sexual assaults and rapes, and just recently left an emotionally, physically and sexually abusive relationship. I've been struggling with PTSD since before this relationship but it has never been this bad until recently.
The smallest things will trigger me. I feel like I am constantly on edge, like I have to be ready to defend myself at all times because for the last four years I had to do this to survive. I've developed horrible social anxiety, I've always struggled with this as well, but now it's crippling. I automatically think if anyone talks to me that they are going to try to rape or attack me and I can't relax. I struggle with intrusive thoughts and flashbacks as well. I meditate, I go to therapy every week, and I take xanax whenever I feel panicky (which is nearly all the time now) but I'm still not doing well.
For the last four years I was a total shut in. I only socialized with my ex so I don't have any friends in the town I live in. I have a few people I know who have been supportive of me that I got back in touch with after the breakup and while my family is supportive right now because of our past history of abuse I don't feel fully comfortable with them.
I've been trying to meet people because I am desperately lonely and I want to have a normal life again. I want to get out the house and do things. I want to have fun again. I have a lot of hobbies- I do karate, yoga, I write, I shoot guns for fun, I am a huge music nerd and I love going to shows but only if I can dance or mosh and I love being outdoors. I've met people through these hobbies but then I injured my ankle and have not been able to participate in them anymore resulting in me sitting around alone all day with all this nervous energy and trying to study but not being able to (I'm premed). Physical exercise was how I socialized and relieved my anxiety and now that I can't do that for a while I've been going nuts. I haven't been going to the karate dojo or the yoga studio long enough to really meet people and get phone numbers so until I can go back it's hard to meet anyone.
I was able to meet some new people a few months ago but I unfortunately messed things up with them. Here's what keeps happening in a nutshell- things go along fine with new people and then I have a meltdown for some reason. Like a huge meltdown.
The first time it happened I was on a date with someone I didn't know very well. I was horribly uncomfortable and I know this is the worst solution possible but I couldn't see any other way to get through the night- I got drunk. Really drunk. I'm not sure what exactly happened or what I did but I've been able to piece it together. He didn't want me to drive home because he thought I would get in a wreck or get a DUI so he told me not to. Guys telling me what to do is a huge trigger for me so I apparently caused a scene and ran off (my house is in walking distance and after a long detour wandering around being drunk and freaked out I made it back okay). Needless to say we never went on a second date and now his mutual friends don't talk to me much anymore either.
Then the next time it happened I was at a friend's house. I don't remember what happened. Once again I was drinking as at this point in time I honestly can't handle being around people without a drink or xanax and xanax just makes me sleepy. I know this wasn't a smart move on my part but if I didn't do it I'd seriously never leave the house. Unless I'm drunk or on xanax I can't even let anyone touch me. But anyway... one second everything was fine, then apparently I mistook him for my ex, thought he was going to hurt me and punched him in the face, then ran off. I don't remember this. Next thing I know I'm wandering around his neighborhood panicking and I've got my pepper spray out and I don't know why and I'm knocking on neighbor's doors to ask for help. Thankfully I realized where I was and that I wasn't in danger so I went back to his house fully sober at this point and a friend stayed up with me all night. I got lucky and he forgave me but frankly it scared the **** out of me.
It happened again last weekend. I had met someone who I actually felt comfortable with for some reason, even sober, and we'd gone a few casual dates. I really enjoyed spending time with him. I was up front immediately about my PTSD and he asked me what to do if I had a blackout or flashback and I told him to just listen to what I say I need and make sure I don't hurt myself but not to make any sudden moves that would startle me. I told him worse case scenario to grab my phone and call my therapist or my family or even 911 if it was that bad. I also let him know that most the time when this happens I can't be touched. So we were hanging out with another friend who didn't know this about me. We were in the car and I don't remember exactly what it was we were talking about but I know it was related to abuse, rape, etc. I got really upset and told him to pull over so I could barf and that I didn't want to be touched under any circumstances. I remember repeatedly saying that I did not want to be touched and to just give me a minute. His friend wouldn't respect me though and ran at me to give me a hug but it startled me and I pulled a knife on her before she got too close because once again, I didn't want to be touched and thought she was going to hurt me.(I've been carrying knives for self defense and utility for years and the knives I carry are legal in my state).
He ended up getting really mad at her for doing that and kicked her out of his house that night (they were sort of dating too so it was kind of a big deal). I went home (don't know how I made it there but I did) and got to bed safely. Apparently I called someone at 11am and said a bunch of things that didn't make sense and I have no recollection whatsoever of doing this.
At this point in time he and another two friends (both of whom live out of state) are the only people I feel even remotely comfortable with. However he doesn't want to talk to me anymore and I can understand. He told me I didn't do anything wrong and that his friend should have respected my space and apologized and I apologized to both her and him but he still isn't too keen on hanging out with me again and I can't blame him. He's worried that I may hurt someone and frankly so am I. I have never been violent except in self defense but as I told him, it's entirely possible that I could misread a situation and think I am being attacked when I really am not and hurt somebody. At the same time I feel very strongly about our right to bear arms and I am very big on self defense. I do not feel safe without the weapons I carry (all legal and not all lethal) and there is nothing anyone can do or say to get me not to carry them so please don't tell me not to- I won't listen. My knife has saved my life more than once so I'm a bit attached to it as you can imagine.

I met a few other new people too that didn't work out, not because of anything I did but because they really were toxic people and I had to cut them out of my life this week. They were pressuring me to have sex with them, to go places I didn't feel safe with them, etc so I had to cut that off too. So right now I feel incredibly isolated and lonely.
I'm at least at the point where I can stand up for myself and make healthy decisions about the people in my life who are hurting me but I feel like I've alienated myself from people who could actually be good for me. I feel so alone and I feel like it's my fault. I have no one to turn to. All the people I could talk to don't want to deal with the drama anymore or are so far away geographically that it just isn't the same nor can I count on them to always be there to answer the phone.
My question is does this happen a lot with PTSD? Do you guys have moments where you blackout, have flashbacks, meltdowns, etc and lose friends over it? How do you get over it? How do you find healthy people and keep them? How do you get over the social anxiety? Do you lose track of hours and blackout and not know where you are or think you're back in that situation again even when you're sober? That happens to me a lot more now than it used to. Sorry that was so long winded but I had to get it out. I had no idea this was getting so bad and I'm heartbroken over losing the few healthy people I knew and having to cut out the others who weren't good for me. I'm at my wit's end and I don't know what to do anymore.