Alcohol+weapons is a bad mix. I know that you might feel safer with having the knives on you..... but one of these days are you going to kill or really injure someone. And then you will have ruined someone else's life, and ruined your own. I would really suggest leaving them at home when you're going to be drunk.... One or the other is alright, but both at once is a horrible idea. Or you know, go out with the weapons and not be drunk.

Which I know would be hard because you don't feel safe without both. I also know you will ignore me, but I don't feel right not speaking up about it - you don't have a right to risk hurting someone else, and it's wrong of you to willingly do that.

I hope you can make some female friends to have as your drinking-buddies. It seems like most of the people you spend time with are guys whom you are somewhat dating - which so easily makes them triggers for you. It's like you are setting yourself up for disaster... with lethal weapons on hand, alcohol to make you more jumpy and less clear-headed, and a huge trigger nearby which will even more easily trigger you with alcohol in your system.

I am really sorry that you've gone through so much though. Are you talking to a therapist about things? I know you said you're on xanax... but you haven't mentioned a therapist. They would be able to eventually help you work on your triggers and your response to them.