I understand your pain. I, too, have trouble leaving the past behind. And nothing seems to be going my way either and I am in dispair, but I don't think it is all my fault, a lot, but not all. I don't believe we are broken beyond repair, it is just a matter of finding a way to change the way our brains think.
Keep posting. Somehow we will dig our way out.
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Bipolar I, Depression, GAD Meds: Zoloft, Zyprexa, Ritalin
"Each morning we are born again. What we do today is what matters most." -Buddha