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Originally Posted by Shellsh0cked
Hello...Revisiting this page after some time. I never realized I got any replies about this. Yes, this has been an extremely hard process for me to get through. In fact so much that it started to make my health deteriorate. So I have had to learn how to say screw this and not drag myself through it anymore.
Facts I have come to live with. Being with her is a death sentence for me. It was destroying my health, both mental and physical and I was dying...literally. Why did I keep going back?? Then I realized a lot of my problem is that I am highly addicted to her and I am co-dependent as hell when it comes to her...That's a VERY bad combination for both of us. Another fact is that I realize how real her pain was. Whether I could fully understand the actions that made no sense to me...but her pain was real even though I know I was innocent of the horrible things she accused of me. None of that matters...only how she felt does...I know I did nothing wrong other than keeping going back which was killing her. Because I love her so much, and always will till I draw my last breath I have to let her go...for her sake and mine. Nothing good can come of it. She isn't likely to ever change as this has been her path over and over with the only difference is that her behavior is more and more erratic.
Cat333...I understand how you feel, but there is nothing I can do for her. She has to be able to do it for herself. I cannot force her. She refused treatment...even when I told her I would go with her. She doesn't even believe she has a problem other than a panic disorder. She is too proud and too terrified to admit to it. Being with her does nothing other that make the problem worse. She is in no kind of shape for any type of serious relationship...with anyone. I would love to be there for her because I care so deeply for her...but the fact is that just cannot happen. The cuts are just too deep. It pains me to know that I can never see her again, speak to her again...Reconciliation is pretty much out of the question. That kills me because even 14 months later, I just want to put my arms around her and hug her and tell her everything is going to be okay...That cant happen because I know how I could be sucked in again, and I just cannot afford that. I am sorry too...I really truly do understand your pain...I really do.
Pickleweeze...I know that loving side of her...It's why I stayed with her and kept going back. I truly love her...very much so. I always will, and that is what is so crushing to me...
Thank you all for your responses. I really appreciate it...
Shellsh0cked.
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Everything you experianced emotionally, you could have been saying about my ex bf. And also of me. Wicked mix. I finally had to break up with him, for the same reason...my mental health. He was killing me by degrees, piece by piece tearing me apart. I'm BPD as well, but it was the flipside for me and him. I need help and am getting it. He thought he was just fine and it was my fault he treated me this way. He admitted finally that he had made me the 'enemy' for months because he felt guilty about leaving his wife. Supposedly, it was for me, after a 12 year 'friend' relationship...ended up, it was only for him.
He wanted out. I was his excuse. Once that happened, he couldn't be with me because I only reminded him of what he'd done and since it couldn't be his fault, it had to be mine. Black and white. That's how it is for me most of the time...he was my first and hopefully last BPD/NPD. It still astonishes me how we lasted as long as we did.
I understand all the comments: it is sad he's alone now...but he won't be long, and I know it. That's the part that hurts. Because I did vest much time in this...and became too co-dependant. I'm glad to be out of it, even if it hurts. I'll get help...he'll do the same thing to another woman, I've no doubt. He knows how. He cut his teeth on me.
I wish you well, and hope you find a relationship that is healthy and works for you.
