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I'm sorry you're struggling so much! From some of what you have written you seem to be struggling with some suicidal ideation and self esteem issues.
You might want to do some research on bipolar disorder, the discrete episodes of depression, hypo/mania, how long they last, etc., and see if you identify with these sorts of things. Bipolar Disorder, more recently, has been described as a disorder of radical changes in energy levels, not just a matter of mood swings alone. Some people in 'mixed episodes' can experience a mix of different strong emotions at the same time, but so much more needs to be present, it's all so complicated!
Bipolar is difficult to diagnose -I think it would be a good idea to bring your concerns to your psychiatrist, if you have one.
Are you in therapy? From what you describe, it sounds like it might be helpful. We all need support, therapy can help with this. Best of luck and I hope you feel better soon!
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