I no that there is a way to cope without the medications. The side effects are too much, and now that I have been off them for about five weeks. I feel normal again, it's been close to twelve years since I have felt any kind of hope. I know that if I were still on my meds, I would still be suicidal and depressed. This past year has been the worst. My depression worsened even with medications. They seemed to be getting worse and my paranoia was so bad that I couldn't go anywhere without feeling that I was been judged by everyone I seen. Now, I don't have much paranoia and I feel hopeful about living again. I had made a choice that no matter how bad things got for me in my head, I wouldn't make my daughters live with knowing their mother killed herself. So I continued to suffer every day, because I didn't want to live any more, but I am not selfish enough to make them live with my mistakes. I couldn't put that on my girls. So, I decided that I would suffer through and just keep hoping that it would happen naturally (car accident or something like that). Now, I am glad that nothing did take me from this world.

When I was on my meds, I swore by them. I worked with people with mental illnesses, and always told them to stay on their meds. But, now that I have been off mine and I feel so much better. I have down moods but not like they used to be. I didn't see a future for me of any kind, but now I can see it. There are natural ways to cope with depression and so far it's been working. Knock on wood. Life seems possible now.

I am not suggesting that anyone else should stop their meds, because everyone is different. It kind of happened before I knew it. I was just to busy with packing and moving that I didn't notice the side effects that come when I miss my meds weren't there. My mind cleared up, I can remember what I was doing or saying, I don't feel like I am going to cry all the time.

The symptoms that I have noticed sense I've been off my meds, are this zippy feeling like I'm doing a back flip with my eyes closed and the heart break that I feel for the human race and the selfish path it is taking. I have always felt that there was some purpose for me, a reason that I have survived so much in my forty years. That is my next obstacle finding out why, I feel that I need to make a difference. Anyone else have that........feeling of a higher purpose? Like I am meant to do something important and that's why I have survived what most shouldn't have.