Thanks. I wouldn't know what to say, without freaking you the heck out. My latest OCD thread would say it all, but that could be incredibly triggering for you, for all I know.

I'm just picturing my toolbox, right now. My urges are getting stronger and stronger, that much I've noticed. Anger is my weakness, when it comes to staying away from SH. Anger was something that drove me to do it a lot, some years back. I reckon I'm getting more and more determined to give myself what I DESERVE, than to just stay unpunished. I kind-of feel like I've gone 4 years without punishment, ... it almost feels like a disgrace; a sin. My thoughts are wrong. I am wrong. I am sick. I deserve it. These are the sort of things going through my head.

EDIT:

I think I'll be fine, at least for tonight. I went through and spent a few minutes with our very adorable, 2-3 month-old rabbit, stroked him, fed him, then came back and lit a nice-smelling joss stick, ... dunno how I managed to crawl outta that hole, as I was literally standing in my room, staring at my toolbox, and thinking what stuff I could use. ¬_¬ This will be ever so exciting to tell my therapist. (sarcastic, much) Oh, I also stared at a reflection of myself in the window, and started telling myself I'm a good person, and to get a grip, and all that crap. ¬_¬ I feel crazy.