hi there
I can relate to your feelings,though I do not have a history of abuse( sexual),I did have bulimia and anorexia (which are gone by now,not that I feel good about my body,just accepted that Barbies are rare).I am married for 16 years and never had orgasm with my H,tried masturbation but it feels so frustrating and incomplete without psychological connection with a partner.So I stopped.It feels I can not get aroused enough to build enough desire,even with oral sex.I faked all along not to hurt his feelings ,though maybe it was wrong.I tried to explain,told him to slow down and take his time,but he climaxes and falls asleep. It used to be OK in the past ,but recently it frustrates me and is a cause of insomnia and anxiety.Started after someone intentionally touched my fingers while taking library card from me:that is odd,but that touch felt so potent,I literally felt his desire to touch and feel me,it went right through me,though he never sad anything incriminating, but been friendly librarian, That is a touch I want to feel from my husband .My H does not cuddle/touch me unless he can have an intercourse with me.It hurt psychologically and physically now. I want to feel aroused,and I have a feeling I can get aroused,because in certain situation I felt some pressure and desire building while reading banal romance books.I have never been intimate with another man but my husband,been kissed just once before him. I do not know what is wrong.,where and what is my problem,?do you think I am simply frigid physically with desperate desire for sexual fulfillment ?
If you have any ideas let me know too,because anticipating frustration causes avoidance of intimacy and further problems in marriage.it is a long letter,but how do you put frustration of 16 years in one sentence?