...maybe it's just a fantasy?

maybe it's impossible?

was there a difference between 'out of control' and just 'what I did that day?'

was there one?

I went near and far and terrorised only inside my head...
there was never any limits and I slept like a baby ...
not a screaming baby!..

life has an expanse around me I have discovered by some un-fortunate devious plan from the gremlins that were hidden and only awoken by some "crap" I will never comprehend!

it seems to me that yes I did feel some latent pressure building within my skull and deep inside my personality

I worked harder than anyone I ever knew...
I was employed in some really difficult jobs...

I worked so hard and was admired for my efforts I remember waking up in a hurry to get to work....to do a really top job!

something scrambled my brain...
sure I took drugs and drank...

but I easily bypassed the side effects of all that...

from this city to the next from one job to another...

I never knew there was something inside me above all...

and so much more powerful than anything I had ever experienced...

so many failed friendships and so many failed jobs so many disasters with girlfriends.... I ran so far with this dis-order..

probably further than anyone is supposed to run...

I believed I was just living and that all these problems would also be understood by others and therefore I could have someone to share them with...

but no

so the question remains..?
was I ever functional?

I sure hope so

but I doubt it