That explains what I'm going through. I can't cry or yell either. I always sound so blasted calm, even under great physical pain and distress. I can't even easily tell people verbally that I feel miserable. The only "safe" way I can get my emotions out is through writing. I am pretty much limitless as to how I can express myself in that medium: I rant, I rave, I throw chairs.

It's a pretty potent and scary experience to see me melt down in the written word. And yet looking at me, I am absolutely calm and quiet.

A friend told me "I must cry." I'm told it's a very healing experience. But I was yelled at for crying by my father. Now I can only do it for a few seconds at a time most of the time.

This doesn't mean I'm not feeling sad or distressed. I'm just hiding my pain and my pain is intense. I feel very sad at the moment, very lonely. And all I can do is toss a letter on someone's desk to tell them how I feel. It's frustrating. Or write poetry. I'm very detached while I'm doing it, but I've written some very powerful stuff on here, without being aware of its' power, because I'm so detached from my emotions.

There is a thing more crippling than cerebral palsy: the prison of your own mind.