Quote:
Originally Posted by Zwangsstörung
Thanks. I wouldn't know what to say, without freaking you the heck out. My latest OCD thread would say it all, but that could be incredibly triggering for you, for all I know. 
I'm just picturing my toolbox, right now. My urges are getting stronger and stronger, that much I've noticed. Anger is my weakness, when it comes to staying away from SH. Anger was something that drove me to do it a lot, some years back. I reckon I'm getting more and more determined to give myself what I DESERVE, than to just stay unpunished. I kind-of feel like I've gone 4 years without punishment, ... it almost feels like a disgrace; a sin. My thoughts are wrong. I am wrong. I am sick. I deserve it. These are the sort of things going through my head.
EDIT:
I think I'll be fine, at least for tonight. I went through and spent a few minutes with our very adorable, 2-3 month-old rabbit, stroked him, fed him, then came back and lit a nice-smelling joss stick, ... dunno how I managed to crawl outta that hole, as I was literally standing in my room, staring at my toolbox, and thinking what stuff I could use. ¬_¬ This will be ever so exciting to tell my therapist. (sarcastic, much) Oh, I also stared at a reflection of myself in the window, and started telling myself I'm a good person, and to get a grip, and all that crap. ¬_¬ I feel crazy. |
Sorry it took so long to reply.. My phone is stupid and wouldn't let me open the thread.
I actually can't find the OCD post... And feel free to say whatever you want... If it's something super triggering, you can private message me... I'm in a safe place (both physically and mentally- with the exception of being frustrated with some relationships), so I will be able to handle whatever you need to say.. I promise I will listen non-judgmentally...
I understand having those thoughts in your head, just constantly on repeat... I'm a terrible person, I am not worth anything. I'm the one who is f***ed up... It's hell, it really is... But try try try to remember that no matter what mistakes you have made, no matter what mental disorders you face, none of those make you who you are. You choose who you are... You don't have to punish yourself for anything, especially things out of your control... I know it's hard, but it's a fight we've gotta face every day... You can do it.
I'm glad your rabbit helped you, and as cliche as it is, I am guessing that your therapist is going to be very happy that you were at least trying... I think it's wonderful that you were able to slow down and start to contradict those thoughts on your own... That's actually really impressive to me... Even if you didn't actually believe them... You at least tried, and that is an incredible thing when your mind is in such a negative place... I'm really proud of you for that
