hi
I am 39,married with 3 kids,still waiting to feels happy....I know it is a cliche,but I feel lost and frustration grows day by day.I got married at 24,had our first kid at 25,meanwhile studied,took my exams ,got my MD,by 31 was accomplished as a professional and had 3 kids.Should be happy and proud ? Well,all the while I was loosing my identity as a woman,person,trying to adapt to new family.
See I live with my in -laws,always have,there are controling,my husband has to be in control of everything;what I do,where I go,whom I befriend.He has no idea I am signed to this site behind his back,which makes me feel guilty,but I need to talk ....otherwise I am going to break down seriously. sometimes I wonder what keeps me in this marriage other then kids:intimate life is frustrating(he takes,but does not give,),he and his family are in control of everything I do(despite I work and earn almost half the income),there are defining whom I should talk to as a friend, I do not have close girlfriend to unload,If I talk to colleague my H is jealous.He recently admitted that he will not go against his parents wishes to do something for me.Meanwhile I see my parents and brother once a year,there is no communications between them.
I should mention that I was anorectic when I married,and we had huge problems with my H and in-laws blaming my parents in trying to get rid of me,because "who else would marry anorectic". My newlywed life was a disaster-psychologically and intimately, I gave my H everything got nothing back,but his feeling of shame b/o my anorexia and his disappointment. I do understand him as a man,but ...I lost my first pregnancy,he did not even touch me,hug or console me,only thing I felt was his and his family's blame for loss.I did recover from my anorexia same day(strange,but miracle,something changed in me ).Still relationships never recover,I am still lonely,I have never been his priority as a person/woman.What kind of wife/woman would you feel you are ,when you feel his indifference to you as a woman, when even male instincts don't kick in,and when they do -he gets what he wants and turns away snoring...makes me feel like a call girl.It hurt:no trust,no communication,no sharing,control,no intimacy. I keep myself busy with work/kid/house chores not to think,but nights are hard.He is a good man,his parents are,they do love me in their own way,but why I do not feel happy?what is wrong with me?
Advise?
wife22