I was just sitting reading the adopted persons bible, "The primal wound" I've read it a couple of times before in the past, and though I kinda of related to it intellectually, I never felt the feelings it is talking about.

Today reading bits of it, my chest was hurting, I felt I wanted to cry, but couldn't because my family were in the room with me. Though that isn't there stopping me, its me stopping me.

It hit me as I read about abandoment and loss the life long pain this leaves one with. It hit me that I have a need to create that original loss and to try and repair it. Hence my missing my T so much. It seems I am creating the abandoment I feel by her during breaks, knowing full well that this time it gets repaired, she comes back.

Though part of these feelings will be real. That I do miss her because I know her, but the deep deep pain and mourning I experience are a "trauma reinactment".

Boy I can't wait for T tomorrow and discuss this! I've actually found myself today missing the deep pain I experineced on Monday when I reconnected with T again. Its not her so much I am longing for, its the power of the "unconsious game" .

Oh to be a T and have to be the target of their clients behavoiurs lol.