hi Gayleggg
the sentence in your post about "secret of health is to live in present" is what I am trying to do. My H is a good man,he supports his family,works hard,does not drink/smoke, I think does not cheat(definitely hope doesn't).I am trying to be what he wants me to be,but I can not change completely and I lost myself in the process.He admitted recently that I took too much on my shoulder:all kids related issues(from sleepless nights to homework and driving),housework,professional work,lately I had to assemble my son's racer car and trampoline so my H can present to son's birthday."I have the best Dad",my son said,but my husband did not even acknowledge the fact that he was asleep while I was assembling something which by instruction required 2 adult man,not even" hey, I was tired,I should have helped you".I am not saint, he is a good man,but I do want to feel woman,is it so much to ask. Why should I "feel" desired when stranger touches my fingers while passing a card?(I know he is interested,but he is still a stranger in the library),I did not expect to feel that,did not see it coming ,so I doubt I imagined.What is wrong with me that I do not feel my H wanteing to touch and feel me,to look into my eyes,to hold me. I know he is man,they do not show emotions,but I want to feel him turned on because of me,not because "nature's call",and not because I am wearing something seductive,but because it is me.I still have hope but do not expect much anymore,if it makes any sense.
I thought of divorce,sometimes I want to get out so badly that it hurts,I am tired walking on eggshells,because if i say something he will not like, there will be explosion,and at the end it will be my fault,I do not know how to behave.
He even said many time ,though in rage, to get out ,that he is tired of me. I do not know what keeps me with him,"selfdestruction trait" ha-ha...I think about kids,about fact that maybe he is not happy either and maybe we want the same thing ,but keep circling on different levels and can't get connected.
I don't know. I am confused,I need help. I would love to see psychologist,but can not afford without my H knowing. Come to think about it,this is the first time I am expressing my feelings .....