I think I can get better. I know depression will stay with me forever but maybe I can be happy too. See, I found hope. And hope has a name but that dosn't really matter because its not about them. Its about me finding that peice that I've been missing. The part of me that can control the pain that cripples me. I found out something about myself. I am... I can't say the word. I'll put it this way, I'm attracted to my own gender. And thats why I hate myself. Why I think I deserve to be used and controlled. As much as I hate it about myself, it gave me hope. And showed me happiness. I couldn't be with her. I wouldn't allow it and now she is with someone else. I'm OK with that. She was still that key that opened my gilded cage that woman poet talked about. I'm still miserable and self loathing but I can work on that. I can work on me. When I thought about forgetting what I learned and marry and have kids I wanted to die as I sat and sobbed. I don't know where my future is, but I know I experienced a hope in the dark.