Well...I appreciate the feedback guys. Really do. There's no way I will ever go back to her. In fact, I am going to do my best to avoid her for the rest of my life because she is in fact quite toxic to me...and me to her as well because I do keep coming back and my codependency issues. Doesn't mean I don't love her or that I don't want her...those are two separate things.

As far as her label goes...I'm no psychiatrist, but I thought she had 7 of the nine signs, as did her brother in law. Her sister said she had all 9. Her childhood friend thought it described her to a tee when she learned about it in psychology class...and we had never even discussed anything like that but yet she said "omg, that's XXXX"....What does that mean? Nothing really because I am no psychiatrist, and neither are they...but I can say this...the case is VERY good for her being BPD...that's why I came here. I'd bet my life on it in fact...I know her better than just about anyone on earth. Unfortunately the only psychiatrist she ever saw pushed some drugs on her after spending about 30 minutes with her and she hasn't returned (that I know of anyway). Many psycholgists don't want to deal with BPD I have heard, and there are only a few specialists here in town.....soooo....

Do I think she cared about me? Loved me? Sure. Without a doubt. The intensity of her emotion towards me proved that. Still does love me I am certain although on the surface she hates every cell in my body. But, I believe she was melted and poured for me....My soulmate. I really think that once she had time to put it into perspective she knows that I did nothing but love her. God...I'd love to just hug her... Can I live without her? It's hard, but I cannot live with her. She refused treatment because I think she is afraid of what she might find out about herself. I think that is the worst part for her because she cannot face it.

She made attempts on my life and was systematically destroying everything I ever knew about myself. I may be somewhat avoidant, may have some codepency issues... and I admit...sometimes I can be a bastard...especially if I have my character questioned or I am taken advantage of but I know these things: I am NOT narcissitic, nor am I a paraphilliac or a voyeur and I certainly don't get my jollies by lusting after 15 year old girls or her 60 year old mother. She made me doubt everything I thought I knew about myself. THat's a receipe for a heart attack or a stroke. I KNOW that I am a good person with morals...someone that loves her for WHO she is with all his heart. I had to disassemble all those horrible things...It took a lot of time. I still have days where it hurts. I know this too....whether this stuff is imagined or real? Her pain was real. It was no joke. I don't think I have to explain that to you. She was truly suffering whether I did anything to her or not. She was hurt. When you can realize that? And you can let someone go BECAUSE you love them...is when you finally can have some peace about all that because you know it was of no fault of your own. I know I tried with every thing I had. I know there was nothing left I could do. I should have let her go months earlier...but I was too selfish.

SO unfortunately I can't help her. It's a moot point at this juncture because I am out of her life forever. That statement hurts me so much to say it, but I know it is the best thing. So it's up to her friends and family to either encourage her to get help, or to continue to enable her behavior. There is nothing further I can do.

Again, thanks for your comments guys. I really do appreciate the feedback from some other BPDs. I really sincerely hope that things are either improving or have improved for you. Since you are here, it is my belief that you have made a big step in acknowledging it...knowledge is power, and power will help you win. I say this because I have had a similar struggle with my health but with working hard (bucking conventional thinking) and different therapies finally made the difference and I am almost back to my old self. So maybe that may give you some hope.... good luck to you all.!!