So I'm feeling a bit more hopeful today. I've been trying to think of ways to meet new people I feel safe with and places I can go where I don't feel the need to carry weapons with me. I've never felt the need to carry a weapon at my yoga studio or my karate dojo and I've been doing physical therapy for my injuries and it's working out well plus they offer gentle classes at my yoga studio and both places are aware of my injuries and can work around me. I need a job and I've been considering teaching yoga as I've been doing it for over five years now and I love it. My yoga studio offers a free yoga teacher training program that would work with my school schedule perfectly. It requires you to live a monastic lifestyle and go vegan (I'm iffy on the vegan thing because I am anorexic and I'm afraid dieting might trigger me but I'll talk to the program director about that) and we're not supposed to drink or do any other drugs. I think this would be healthy for me at this point. I have been wanting to come off my psychiatric medications (I'll be working with my psychiatrist about this so I can do it safely and I know there is the chance I may be one of those people who need them long term but may as well give it a shot) as well as quit drinking temporarily (or who knows- maybe forever but I'm hoping when I'm in a better place mentally I can handle drinking every now and then). I want to go straight edge for a while and focus on yoga and meditation in order to come back to myself after the many years of abuse I've suffered and I truly want to be healthy. I don't want to become the monsters I've fought for so many years. And like I said it took a couple days for me to think of it but I do feel safe without weapons in those places and maybe I could meet other people in the teacher training program who don't drink either and who I might feel safe being around. I made some weekend plans with the only couple people I really feel comfortable around and other than that I'm spending my weekend sober and meditating. I'm going to talk to my yoga teacher today about the program and fill out an application too. I'm feeling much more hopeful. Thanks for hearing me out everyone!