If today is as good as it gets, well, that bites.

I like to think that better is possible. I believe that somewhere deep down inside me is an optimistic person. Shame he's been being strangled by the pessimistic jerk looming above him.

I've been in a depressive episode for quite a while. The lamictal has stabilized me a bit, but I feel it's almost made me... so 'stabilized' that I'm kind of... just stringing through life now. The depression is still there. I almost wish for another 'up' sometimes. Even though I know people can barely tolerate me when I'm 'up'. When I'm depressed, I lock myself in my room. Up, they have to put up with my random ideas, my rambling, my incessantly wanting to do something. But it gives me the temporary illusion that I'm happy and that things are better.

And don't worry. I enjoyed thinking about it. Maybe should have a trigger warning, though.