It's my birthday today and I've spent the whole day trying not to cry and I don't know why. I just turned 18, and my birthdays have been really hard and emotionally draining for me since I was 15. I'm not pressured to do anything and my mom is really supportive and likes to celebrate/but will do what I want and I feel really awful for being so miserable because she tries really hard and feels bad and doesn't know what I want from her and I don't either because it's not even her at all.

But like, I feel really awful when people bring up my birthday but feel bad when people don't too? IT'S SO ******* STUPID AND ANNOYING. Just basically everything that someone can possibly do on my birthday makes me practically start crying. I just wish it didn't exist at all? Because I always feel really guilty and hate myself on my birthday and I hate how I act because I hate myself and then I want to cut and it's just a really awful day.

I don't really know why I'm writing this. I guess I'm just ranting.