I talked to my T today. I started out by saying that I get very nervous and always feel ashamed to share my feelings. She was understanding and said that we have to get through that...I have to put things into words for therapy to work.

This last couple of sesions I've been emailing her before the session cause it's easier for me that way. But she wants me to actually read out loud the things I write, even after she read them so we can discuss. This is really hard for me.

I complained alot during the session, sort of beating myself verbally, saying how stupid I feel.. are things are always the same.

She didn't want to keep talking cause she says it's not good if I don't have anything to say...only dwell on how unhappy I am.

She told me to write down something "productive" for the next session and avoid just rummbling and complaining cause that's not getting me anywhere.

(I'm rummbling here, sorry).

Anyways, I was so upset, I got home and emailed her right away, a very sarcastic email...I know I was totally acting out.

Told her how believe life is a wonderful challenge. How I will leave the fear and shame aside. Do positve things, not sabbotage myself, not try to feel my void with things that hurt me. That way I'll be happy.
I also wrote sarcastically "Well I' guess I'm ready to write a self-help book now". I ended the email by saying "I'm cured".

I'm not sure if I'm getting my point here...the thing is that I was so upset for her not letting me dwell on how miserable and hopeless I feel...(which I know she's trying to help) that I wrote that sarcastic note on purpose.

It's stupid. I know. But was the only was I was able to express (actually act out) my anger and frustration. I feel so childish now...Want to hide.