I wish I went out tonight, done something better than sitting at home in front of computer, went out with a friend. But the truth is, I don't really have anyone in my life I would really consider a true friend. I used to have a best buddy, we could hang out anytime, and I never really felt lonely even if I was depressed. Now, I'm really wishing I had someone like that again. There's this guy, and I thought we were friends. But he never invites me to anything, or asks how I'm doing, and I've just given up cause I don't want to be the only one trying. There's this girl I know, and we're really friendly in class, and she always cheers up my day. But I'm scared, cause in the past I always screw things up with girls, friendship or romantically; I always end up acting like an idiot and being too embarrassed to ever talk to her again. I want to have a party, and invite all my school friends, and have it be an awesome party. But on second thought, I just think to myself "That's the worst idea ever, I know that everyone hates me in reality, and the party would be so lame, everyone would hate me even more afterward." And maybe that's not true, but when I think about any social interaction, that's the kind of thing I think of. I want to have friends. I want to actually do somethings, like go shopping with them or go eat out. But it just feels like, maybe I can become friends with one person, but they won't let me into their social circle, so what's the point? So I don't even know what to do with my life now. I just feel like crap all the time and I don't have anyone to lean on in my life. Lately I've been trying so hard, but then I end up really disappointed in the end. I'm thinking, "Maybe I should of never tried, complacency doesn't hurt this much."