Hey.

There is pain to think that people left. People left us.

But their intentions in leaving us are so very very very much harder.

No matter what their intentions there can still be pain. And that is justified as a feeling. Because you wonder what would have been. What would they have been like? Would they have had the same nose as you? The same funny ears? Would they like the same things you do?

And you just don't know why... Don't know their intentions. What they were thinking.

How you feel about it can change depending on how you cast the persons intentions.

My father left my mother and me when I was 7 years old.
FACT.

My father abandoned my mother and me when I was 7 years old.
UM...

What does it mean to abandon something? I'm not sure. I do know that if I think of him as abandoning me then I feel rejected by him. Like he didn't care about me. Like it was an easy decision for him to make. Like he didn't miss me. Like he forgot I ever existed...

Is any of that true? I don't know. I honestly don't know.

If I think about my fathers motivations differently, however, then I don't feel *as* bad. If I think that he really did need to get out for his own mental health. If I think that in those days Fathers wouldn't have typically been given custody. If I think of the screaming fit my Mother would have had if he had tried to take me. If I think that he never really knew how to be around me (he didn't know how to be around 7 year old girls). If I think he is avoidant by nature...

It still hurts like hell that he left, don't get me wrong. But it hurts a little teeny tiny bit less. And... It leaves me feeling kindly (though still a little disappointed that he isn't omnipotent) but kindly towards him.

There isn't really a fact of the matter. I really don't think that there is. I don't think my Father knew what he was thinking. Actually... I think he was thinking about himself. But... That is my Father. He doesn't mean any harm. He just can't face up to things. Because he crumples. He crumples. He can't face it. I do feel sympathy for him. I try to feel sympathetic.

But their leaving has an impact oh yes it does. Because we CARE about them. We WONDER about them... What could have been. I think that there is a tendency to wonder even more when adoptive parents turn out to be not so ideal. The fit can be a bit bad sometimes.

But people leaving does impact.

I have 'abandonment' issues. In the sense that I'm scared people are going to leave / reject me. People I really care about. Push people away before you start to care about them in self defence... I'm trying to change that. It is hard, though, it is hard...

((((((((((guys))))))))))