Hey. That doesn't sound stupid to me, it sounds really very understandable.

Sounds to me like you took a really huge risk to tell your therapist that you feel very nervous and ashamed to share your feelings. Just telling her that may have felt really very embarassing for you. I think it is really amazing that you took such a risk. Well done :-)

I'm so very very sorry that it didn't pay off for you :-(

I don't know why that happens sometimes. But it can hurt a lot.

I love sending emails too. I've had some therapists I would send emails to prior to seeing them. I had one therapist I used to write to and I'd drop the letters off where she worked during the week so she could have a think about them before we met. I did that because I found it next to impossible to say anything in sessions... I was cringing too much in embarrassment... And she started giving me a hard time about how if I didn't have anything to say I may as well leave... And so I started with the letters. It helped for a while. But out relationship deteriorated for other reasons (mostly because of my drug abuse and she would panic a lot about that).

Sounds to me... Like your therapist is being a bit too hard on you. Not appreciating the risks you are taking. When the risks you do take don't pay off and they ask us to take more risks it is like we are put in this horrible position. We want to trust them (that is why we take the risks we do) but we can't trust them (because the risks we take don't pay off). They show us that they are incapable of handling our self disclosures in a way that is healing. And eventually... Some come to... Punish us in frustration.

Though things don't necessarily have to get to that point.

But sometimes they do...

Sounds like you felt frustrated. I get why. I really really do.

With the complaining... It is your session so you should be allowed to complain as much as you like is the way I think of it. Sometimes therapists have different opinions on that, however. Her telling you to stoppit and to do something productive isn't really terribly helpful unless she is prepared to show you how to go about stopping it and how to go about heading your thoughts in more 'productive' directions. I don't see why you should stoppit anyway.

I often find I get stuck in a 'woe woe is me' place if... Someone is listening to me and they don't appear to be sympathising with my distress. If they don't seem moved by it (if they seem to find it distasteful) then I'll grumble on in an attempt to convince them that I am JUSTIFYABLY upset.

People act out because they don't know how else to communicate.

That doesn't excuse it, but it certainly does explain it. It makes it understandable even though it isn't particularly acceptable.

Could you have a go at explaining to her why you felt so upset?

Apologise for acting out and convey to her that you do understand that it was inappropriate but that you couldn't see how else to express your distress...

And try and explain what you find distressing and maybe how she could help you deal with that.

Sounds like she has some repairing relationship kinda stuff to be getting on with....