So I spoke to T about my "revelation" re the trauma reinactment. She nodding in agreement and said that though the breaks are painful, they also have a healthy quality about them as we get to work through the unprocessed raw emotions they stir up.

I told her that I in a way want to do it again LOL . She said dont worry we will be lol. But seriously it was really helpful the pain I experienced over this last break.

I told her its so hard trying to talk about feelings I have no memory off. But now at least I am getting into the "deeper" work and will eventually process all these archiac feelings.

I also mentioned how putting down the "need" to be abandoned, it leaves a hole, it feels unfamiliar not to be in crisis, it also feels like I am letting go of the last and only connection I have/had to my bio mother. BUT I have faith that what I will be left with, will be so much better. onwards and upwards LOL