I'm posting this, knowing that after tonight I'm not going to read it until Tuesday. I like to "think" on here, and get stuff out of my head. I emailed T about my parts, that I want them to go away, and I hate them! I'm supposed to be compassionate and accept them, but right now I just want to kill them!

Of course I'm talking about the child and teenager "parts" who have those strong feelings for my T. I keep trying to "figure it out" but I don't think that will help. Some is transference; some is real. The point is that I wrote her, and she already knows it, that the parts react to the way T looks. In the session, she asked me something about when did my feelings get stirred up again--was it about her divorce? I never answered her but in the email I said it was when she got her contact lenses!

I'm so pathetic! I am attracted to my T, and it makes me so ashamed. It's not even about sex, though in a way it could be. I really hate that part who feels that way about her, and I want to get rid of her.

I want to ask T to do IFS with me again, with those parts. I wish I could just tell her straight out that the part loves her, but thinks that's not allowed. Or, maybe it's allowed for the child part, who is maybe 5 or 6, to love her. I'm just ashamed of all of these feelings, and knowing that T knows about them.

I don't have DID; there are people reading who probably don't understand IFS and the parts I talk about. They seem like separate parts, and we all have parts of our personality that are different. Not all of me thinks about T like a 12 year old with a crush on her. My adult parts relate to her normally, adult to adult, like when we talk about art or my daily life.

Even though I'm doing so many things in my life, these parts are still there. When I quit therapy, they will be there unless I come to terms with the way I feel and they feel. I know T won't want to get rid of them. She will tell me to accept them.

I just had to write this jibberish/garbage out again. It's repetitive and redundant and ridiculous! I'm even getting tired of reading my threads about T. :rolleyes