oh, BlackDog... I was a stepmom for about 6 years so understand this dilemma well.

For me, it was a big struggle for several years but over time, I just let go of the expectation that I would get my chance. Had to learn to accept that I was destined to always be #2 in my ex-husband's life.

Intellectually, I completely understood it, but I never got over feeling as though it was unfair (emphasize the difference between thinking something is unfair and feeling something is unfair). I was only 23 when I met him -- way too young for that situation, looking back.

I don't know what to tell you. I hate to say "lower your expectations" but that's what I had to do for myself to keep myself sane.

Good luck - I do feel for you in this predicament. You sound as though you respect your girlfriend a lot, so may feel, as I did with mine, that she's worth it even if you don't get the private time you hope for.