Hi freewill,
this post sounds just like me. saw pdoc today and he said i was doing much better and didnt need to make another appointment but could come back if i needed him. thats great and a huge relief but i feel he is brushing me off and trying to get rid of me because i dont feel like im doing much better and the idea of even doing better is terrifying.
i also feel that 'speechless terror' as you put it constantly. its so hard to describe to someone else who doesnt understand how you can be so afraid on one level and getting through your day as usual on another. i dont know how to talk about it. every time i feel my T getting anywhere near it i freak out. a while ago she asked me what the fear was about because she could see it coming to the surface and i just flipped. zoned out entirely and couldnt speak or think. i wish i knew what it was or where it came from.
anyway. im sorry. im so self involved its disgusting. thank you for posting because at least i know someone else feels the same and i hope that gives you some relief to know as well. how about whe both work on trying to tell our T's about this fear? i will if you will.
please take care of yourself,
biiv