So... first of all rant disclaimer:
I'm going to spew whatever comes from my fingertips and its not directed at anyone in particular. Anyone feels offended, don't make your problem mine.

Three or four days ago I emerged from a hellish episode that lasted about a month. Idk wtf it was, I was depressed, agitated, aggro, suicidal, energetic but motivationless. Had thought loops for hours on end, day after day, images of stabbing myself in the thigh and this conviction that slicing myself open would allow the pain to escape then disappear.

The bp episode triggered a bpd episode and I went batshit on my bf and broke up with him twice, and by the grace of God (or utter stupidity) he decided to stick around...

I thankfully, with the help of my big sis here ((((((Christina)))))) at PC managed to stay safe and not do anything stupid. So I guess I emerged unscathed

It was hell, knowing as soon as I opened my eyes it was a shytti day, even moreso when I thought I was having an ok day and the ground suddenly caved beneath me without warning or provocation... I so badly wanted to post at times and reach out to someone who understood ME, not the bp, but most my cyber friends and family don't hang around this board much, so it would've been a futile exercise at best.

All posting would've gotten me would be replies about why I should be medicated up to my eyeballs because none of the regulars have been a part of my journey thus far and have zero idea as to how I cope and the type of support I need. Which in turn would've made me feel even more alone and hopeless.

I miss my sisters, Anika, Blue, Faerie and my cyber mommy Roadie. I miss the old times when this forum was filled with a fighting spirit that is still unmatched, when there were threads dedicated to cheering members on through their struggles, wisdom exchanged on how to obtain a good quality of life. I miss the old members like Hammy and Sunangel, purpledaisy, Moremi and so many others who've drifted away and moved on.

All I sense when reading through threads these days is defeat.

It saddens me and it quite off putting to be honest.

Nobody really discusses how to beat this beast beyond "take your meds and talk to your T", like our healthy hedonism thread of old. And when someone does dare offer any type of guidance, its dismissed. Maybe its too hard? Maybe its unappealing? But then why post if you don't seek assistance?

Maybe people just want a place to moan... A blog is more suitable IMO.

People post about suffering and while empathy is lovely, its not a survival skill or coping mechanism.

I miss the good ole days when this forum was my safe haven.

I miss feeling safe here, and I doubt I ever will again. Its been months since I posted regularly, regardless of my mental health status.

End rant