Good morning.. Falling back one hour was good for my d, she slept in! My son on the other hand was up at 5:30am!


*******tw for talk of suicide********

I saw t on Friday.. He said something to me that really has me thinking and I really wanted to share it with you all, as I think it may be helpful to somebody.

We were talking about my lack of emotions, inability to pinpoint and convey feelings /emotions. I have known that is a defense mechanism from the trauma. It served me well for last 17 years of my life, but now it is causing some major problems between h and I.. Asnwell as keeping walls between the important people in my life. So, when I said to T that it is the huge internal battle between wanting those walls up and letting them down... Right now, it still feels a lot safer to keep the walls up. So, I asked t what he thought would happen if I decided to keep the walls up and he said that probably my marriage would not get better and I would probably continue this pattern of non sharing and being emotionally absent with everyone around me. I said, that is where the idea of Sui becomes appealing to me, because the inability to be vulnerable to the people around me mixed with the fear of what comes with being so open.. Has me feeling hopeless that I will never have any feelings of congruence inside of me... And that feeling sucks!!

Then t said, that the defenses I used to make me feel safe after the trauma are now the same things that could possibly kill me. That one line stopped me in my tracks.. Made the control that I felt when it comes to making the decision of taking my own life as really not in my control at all, but a product of the trauma and I can't let that trauma control me anymore.

So, I have been doing a lot of thinking over this weekend...