Hello MdngtRain-I am glad you wrote about this. I do understand what you mean and I think this is true for me as well. I wrote a thread about this not long ago, where I gave some examples of various reasons why I SI. What you wrote is one of the factors for me. What I feel and think about SI varies depending on what is going on inside of me at a given moment. There are times when I don't see it as self-punishing but just something I do to help me survive the darkest and most frightening moments of my life.