I think you focus too much on your T.

Maybe you should think about who the original recipient of those feelings is. Who is it that your 5-year-old self really loves? It's not T, it's someone from your life back then. Is this person alive? Can you fix your relationship with them? What did they do to you that led you to believe love is unacceptable and brings shame?
(I'm not expecting an answer btw, just a few ideas to discuss with your T. )