Even on here, there are times where I just want to be here for everyone. I want to absorb all of your hurts even if it destroys me in the process.

Then there are times I feel like you all just want me to leave. Like I just suck all of the air out of the room (mainly in chat). I'm sick of being so contradictory and I don't know who I am or what I want anymore.

I think I want to be alone forever, I like being alone. Then it changes and I want to have a relationship, I want love. And I'm just getting so confused, and it's all piling up on me. Usually I can suppress my emotions, put on a blank face, and go through life like a robot. Just doing what I need to do to appear normal. Lately I can't contain it, I've actually been crying, flying into fits of irritable rage, and giving in to impulses.

I react to the dumbest things. I thought I didn't really have triggers, turns out I'm just so good at pushing my emotions into the back of my mind until it explodes.

I don't want to be alone forever... but how can I have a relationship like this? I destroy everyone I try to get close to by being this way and I hate it.