NextToNormal, I feel the need to break down what you've written, because I can relate to it a lot and my T helped me "normalize" what I experience.
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I want to absorb all of your hurts even if it destroys me in the process.
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I have that tendency as well. You could say its a weakness and feel bad about it, or recognize it means you are an empathic person and learn how to use it and enjoy it, without being overwhelmed by it. This is what I have been trying to do, rather than repeat to myself the mean things others have said about it over the years.
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I think I want to be alone forever, I like being alone. Then it changes and I want to have a relationship, I want love. And I'm just getting so confused.
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So, you want to have deep and meaningful relationships with people and also protect your boundaries. Sounds like a great start, you're just ambivalent about how to pull it off. That's just like me and a lot of other people. I don't know why it gets so hard, unless very old fears from past hurts are at work.
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I thought I didn't really have triggers, turns out I'm just so good at pushing my emotions into the back of my mind until it explodes.
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Sounds like you've been reading right out of my daily journal!
I always thought I wore my feelings on my sleeve until a T called me "an expert emotional stuffer" and I realized how accurate she was. Do you remember times when anyone invalidated your feelings without taking the time to understand you or guide you through them?
One book that really opened my eyes is "Reinventing your Life". It introduces the basics of "Schema Theory". There's a really good website about these theories
here.