I have posted here before but found myself more confused after posting than I was to start so I thought I would try again. I've been married for about 1.5 years and with my husband for a little over 3 years. We have always seemed to "bicker" because we both have strong personalities. However after we got married this first year seems like it's been a blood bath. We just can't seem to "fight" normally and every time we do it spirals out of control.
What I believe the problem is, is that he gets frustrated or stressed and takes it out on me. He takes on too much with work and always feels like he never has the time he wants or needs to accomplish anything and our lives are very hectic and busy. I have an abusive past and can recognize verbal and emotional abuse as well as of course physical but I just can't seem to determine if our relationship is just "toxic fighting" or if he has an anger problem or if he IS abusive.
Let me give an example... most of the time when we fight it's a power struggle. I want him to do what I want him to do, and he wants to do what he wants to do. For example he doesn't communicate with me about his plans and when I've had our son 10 hours while he is at work he then he calls me when he leaves work to tell me that he is going to the gym right when he gets home. "I'm like are you kidding me I've been here 10 hours with our son all day and I need help!" Then he feels like he can't do what he wants to do and it turns into a huge argument. Most of the time our arguments end in me calling him an "asshole" and a jerk and both of us just getting pissed off. Eventually he'll apologize and then most of the time we move past it. Honestly I am usually the one that calls him names during a fight, but he does raise his voice and uses a condescending tone.
This morning I told him when we woke up that I wanted a family day today and he told me that he had so much to do and wasn't able to have a family day but could do it another day. I got mad because he wants our family day to be a Thursday in the middle of the week when I can't do that because of work (he has an unconventional work schedule). We just argued back and forth about how I thought we should have family day on Sunday and our lives are too busy and not sustainable. Then he said how about Friday and I said "Ok fine!" But I was still so pissed off from the argument that I couldn't let it go. I made a bit of a rude comment saying "Oh good glad we found a day that works with your schedule since it's all about you" and then stormed off. Obviously that wasn't the best thing but I just could not let it go, I go into fight or flight mode and cannot control myself and all I see is "abuse abuse abuse" in big red letters. Anyway a couple hours went by and I decided to go home and pack my stuff, take my son and go to my Moms. I've done this about 5 or 6 times during the time we've been married because again because of my abusive past I go into fight or flight and don't know what else to do. He got really upset that I was leaving and said "I can't believe you're taking our son and just leaving" and "I can't take this anymore you are so selfish". Then he called me a Selfish *****! I was literally floored, he has NEVER EVER said that to me. Then he took my hand and took the ring off my finger and told me he was done. Mind you I've told him I was done about 50 times but this was the first time he had ever told me HE was done and the first time he has ever called me names during a fight, like I said it's usually me calling him an asshole. I've also thrown my ring at him a couple times. So anyway I feel like is this the start to physical abuse since he grabbed my hand? What if it just progresses from here? What kind of man calls his wife those names? I know I've called him names too during arguments but I feel like a man should just never treat a woman like that.
I feel conflicted because I want to leave but we have a 3 year old son and he is not his biological father but has raised him since we met when he was 2 months old. When we are good we are really good and there are times when we work really hard at our relationship and we are able to deal with conflict normally. But we've created this pattern that now we are trying to break and it seems we just go in the same cycle over and over. Is it better for me to just leave now?