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I'm recognizing the all-too-familiar pattern of finding a new target... Someone to genuinely relate to. And then my imagination takes hold & they enrapture me. I make myself available & interesting & irresistible. And I get them to feel the same way. A cerebral back-&-forth that makes me weak & yet wholly powerful. And then it culminates into a short-lived, fascinating, thrilling tryst that isn't soon to be forgotten.
Though it is inevitably subject to my leaving due to boredom or conflict, I just miss it. Or need it. I can't decipher which.
I just want to have a FRIEND. I pathologically crave the heights of passion & that feeling I get from being everything to someone, even for a short while... But the dissipation just leaves me lower than I was. Not to mention I cannot risk another falling-out with my boyfriend.
I've been doing so much better -- though I'm not sure if that's due to effort in therapy/habits or due to the immense distraction I've put myself through. I just feel like I am about to explode. I can't make any decisions at this point because I have no concept of what is right... What I want to do is what I can't do. I'm confined & conflicted & this just really isn't going as planned. What is the virtue of self-discipline when it turns into self-punishment?
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