I'm not sure if this is related to my BPD but honestly, it's got BPD written all over it. This is something I've never told anyone before because it's extremely embarrassing and makes me feel like a monster. I feel safe here though so I thought I'd see if anyone else has done this.
Okay, so often I like fantasize about horrible things happening to me so that people will take care of me. I go into these little worlds in my head and imagine I get raped, or mugged, or hit by a car. Not enough to kill me, but hurt me bad enough that every one is worried about me. The fantasies are incredibly detailed including conversations and different settings where my tragedy strikes different people. I know in my head that I'm horrible for thinking these things, what an attention ***** I am, but I just can't help it. The thought of being hurt so every one wants to look out for me and love me and wait on me is EXCITING to me. I feel guilt every time I go into these little worlds in my head. I feel guilt because sometimes walking down a dark street I almost WISH that the guy behind me will hurt me. I'm a monster, I know. I'm really horrible sometimes..