I am bipolar 1 and currently off most of my meds so I can get pregnant. My physchiatrist is helping me. But my husband is not. He says he understands me. But I don't see it. I started tapering my meds back in September and since I have it seems like my bipolar is worse than before I got diagnosed. I have made so many mistakes in my past and I can't get away from them and I can't change them. My husband does not want me discussing anything with anybody but when I talk to him, he puts me down and says to use my brain (as a child I was gifted and talented now I am 40 don't know if it's the meds or the illness worsening, I don't think right at all). He calls me the B word and I don't want to be that way but I am acting that way. I have been so irritable for months that it is pushing into the violence stages. My thoughts are everywhere. I am rapid cycling and am trying to cope alone. He told me suicide is for cowards. I suppose that is just what I am. I have tried ti seriously. Now I am not doing anything about it. I trink about it several times a day. I can't talk to him, though he said I could because he will blame it on something else everything but my illness and everything but support me. I have been married before, I refuse to run away this time, I have done that in the past. I love him and I love the children. I'm just scared, I feel out of control of my life. I Can't control my moods or myself. I am losing my family. Just lke that....just like that. It feels like everything i worked for is in the toilet. I thought i was better but I am not I am worse. Maybe just someone who understands would help, I DOn't know anything anymore. I don't know me. I don't know who I am, that is very very scary. I am so overwhelmed with dark feelings and I cry alone not in front of the kids making excuses like I have a headache or I have to go to the bathroom. Bipolar is ruining me.