Things keep on going downhill here. Got a break this weekend with having a friend in crisis over for the weekend. She needed me right then and I was able to be there for her. It was a hectic, emotional, brought up past stuff, it all and all was an ok weekend tho.

Before having her over I was already on the downward spiral. Even my therapists made comments on how I looked and that was speaking so slowly, and not looking all there, and some other things that were said. I truly feel as if it's time to just give up tho.

I did call my therapist tonight about 10 min ago and told her I am so scared to come see her tomorrow. I didn't tell her the real reason cause didn't want her to worry more then she already does. It's all not worth anyone's worry. She told me that I should come to therapy tomorrow and talk about a plan to find the way up. Told her I would be there but can't promise anything.

The real reason am scared is because I don't want her to send me to hospital. It's been 10 months since last hospitalization and want to make it a year and more. Sometimes I think that maybe the best thing for me and then I think to work and my responsibilities there with the remodel of the building I work it. Its all so hectic....couldn't even get out of bed today and called in sick again. I need to stop doing that.

I just feel of no worth to anyone. I don't belong anywhere. Am only of use at work and then sometimes I can't even do that. What's the point anymore. Really??? why am I still here???