Bear with me, I really need some practical help and a bit of a vent. I am having real trouble today, well everyday with procrastination. Today the frustration has just got too much and Im a bawling mess on the couch.

I just cannot get myself going, I cannot force myself to ride my horse. I have been trying for MONTHS. Everyday waking up with a goal to get on that horse. Every day I fail and feel worse and worse, all the time my horse losing muscle condition and gaining far too much fat. I spend a lot of money on her, what is the point when Im not even riding? Its not fair on her, she is far too good to be sitting wasted in a paddock.

I have tried being kind to myself, using positive self talk to motivate myself, I've tried using a reward system, I've tried being harsh to myself (this comes easy), I've tried to use my support network to motivate me, I've tried to set up little goals, tried baby steps, I've tried making myself got through the motions (not riding but working her and I always end up so wreaked physically as it is a huge huge struggle to do). I gave these things a real good go, as I said I have been struggling with this for months.

I do want to ride her, I miss riding her, I miss our connection and the flying through the air over jumps. I know she misses it too, and that brings on the guilt. I really do WANT to do it but cant seem to MAKE myself do it. I am truly stuck, there is just no way I can push myself more than I am. I end up a frustrated bawling mess and nothing can relieve me besides meds or drugs, which then leads to more sitting on the couch...

I can logically see the bad behaviour patterns, I can logically tell myself action breeds motivation but I just absolutely cannot get myself going. I need more help than I can give myself. I have started an online procrastination course, but the reasons they have outlined that cause procrastination do not fit me, I dont know why I cant get moving, I dont know why I keep getting distracted from my task, I dont know why it is so difficult.

Im writing this when highly frustrated so I am sorry for the ranty nature. I have no depression or anxiety today, there is no excuse for me not riding (or even getting off the couch). I honestly have tried my absolute hardest to get myself going but it is just not working. Please can anyone relate? How did you manage to get going?

I cant stop crying, my head is killing me, I feel weak and dizzy, I hate getting so worked up! It ruins my day, and today there is a special social event on which I now have to miss celebrating because I feel I let myself get so worked up. This is pure frustration!